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| Noah’s Boat dee ‘12 |
I can
readily label 2013-2014 as the worst year of my life. And frankly, I have had some pretty bad ones.
If I had a vintage wine created for each year I have been alive, the 2013-2014
varietal would have consisted of barrels and barrels of vinegar. On a personal
level, I felt like my world imploded as a result of dramatic and long-term
health concerns, devastating relationship issues in which I lost the friendship
of my lifelong best-friend and partner, the deaths of two dear, but aged, mentors
as well as my own father’s passing. To add to those Job-like tests, I faced the
challenge of living alone as an independent adult for the first time in 38
years.
It has been one year since my life seemed to come
unglued and I moved to Martha’s Vineyard. The Island has been a place of
recovery for me. I was told by a member
of the Wampanoag Tribe of Gay Head that parts of the Island have healing powers
described by his Indian tribe as going back 500 years. At a time when I found myself feeling
seriously untethered, maybe even in free fall, I knew the Island was where I
needed to be. Thankfully, by some inexplicable psychic communication, almost
every day, one of my children would call, or I would have a text from a friend,
or a package at the Post office. I was
reminded that I still had rope, carabineers and yes, belaying devices to slow
my descent when I (occasionally) found myself slipping. The pivotal discovery
was that much of what happens in our lives is outside of our control. The real
power is what we do with that in our heads.
When I arrived on Martha’s Vineyard, ready to shift
my residential status from part-time to full-time, I started from scratch in
building a new life. New friends, new volunteer work, new hobbies and I spent a
lot of time working on making my body and my mind as strong as I could with the
components I had available. It was kind of a MacGyver thing; make due with what
was at hand. And use a lot of duct tape. Every one of the things I did required
people to help me. In the middle of my worst year ever, I found myself the most
grateful ever. So many people were invested
in me. My friend, Elizabeth, called me every morning from New Hampshire for
nine months (except when she was in Germany on business) to make sure I was up
and moving. I did not take that level of commitment and love lightly. She
laughs and says, “Just paying it forward, Dawn.” Another friend sent me regular
supplies of books. There were texts and calls and lots and lots of caring
people who showed up unexpectedly.
Recently, those of my friends and family who are closest to me have
heard me talking (they might say babbling) about my “Noah Moment.” I
call it my “Noah Moment” because I imagine Noah’s family was probably as
skeptical as mine when he randomly announced one morning that God had a task
for him. As the story goes, it was on Noah’s word alone that the ark and the preservation
of the animal kingdom took place. I like to imagine old Noah (he was said to be centuries old when
he had this challenge put before him) waking up one morning and announcing
that, “Oh-by-the-way, there’s going to be a flood. What’s more, it’s my job to
build an ark and gather up mates for all the animals so that the animal world
and humanity can continue to exist after God’s complete and utter devastation
of what he built.”
Don’t
you suppose Noah’s family and loved ones --
never mind the nosy neighbors --- might have said, “What’s up with Noah?
He sure seems to be getting a God complex lately!”
In my case, there were no
cherubs and cherubims involved. I simply woke up on August 18,
2014 with an inexplicable clarity that all that I have been through
-- the physical and emotional trials that have taken me right to the edge
-- were all for my enrichment and are, somehow - inexplicably - meant to temper
me for my upcoming work. My friend, Elizabeth, likes to describe me as a
phoenix rising from smoking embers. In her poetic imagery, I am still strengthening
my wings. On that morning of August 18th, I woke up knowing that the sense of
grief, loss and mourning that has nearly engulfed me at times, has not ended.
It may, in fact, never really end, but it has transformed me. I will carry it, but it will propel me
forward.
I imagine I sound pretty much
as lunatic as Noah sounded when I say that I have a deep knowing that I am being called to something greater. What’s problematic is that I have no ark in the
works. My charter is not clear. And while I am not exactly
talking about a religious calling, there is a strong spiritual element to all
of this. I have conviction that, soon, I
will have a clear sense of direction.
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| Omni Tower or True North dee ’14 |
The only
other time in my life when I felt this absolute and utter certainty was when I
knew I wanted children. After four miscarriages, including one in the
second semester, my doctors told me that I should stop trying. They felt it unlikely
that I would bear children of my own and that I should consider adoption. The
minute I walked out of the office, I threw away the informational brochure on
the adoption process. I respect and encourage adoption as an option, but for
me, I never doubted the outcome. I was unwavering in my certainty that my
husband and I would parent our own offspring. Ultimately, we were blessed with
three children.
So I am
telling my friends something pretty much as preposterous as Noah’s claim. I
keep repeating, “I have a calling. I am going to help many people with the
skills I have as a result of the unique experiences of my life. I feel like I
have walked through fire and have come through the other side, knowing I am
stronger and even more grateful for my blessings. When the time is right, I
will know just how that will look. I
need to stay open to the possibility that my work could show up at any time.”
As proof
that the Universe is determined to do its thing, with or without our help,
there is a tangential footnote to this story. I was telling my
friend, Kate, about my “Noah Moment.” Kate has cheered me on every step of the
way since I moved to Martha’s Vineyard. “You went to the grocery store
and the bank today, Dawn? Why that is fantastic.!” Or, “You worked on
your photos for four hours this afternoon? I can’t wait to see the best of
them.” She didn’t seem the least bit flummoxed by my assertion I had this
new clarity and an unshakeable calling to do something over the next 25 years
or so.
Instead, she said, “Dawn, you know how I listen to
these inspirational Ted Talks? You have to listen to the one I heard today. I
think you are going to be blown away.”
It was delivered by a game maker named Jane McGonigal. She had a traumatic head injury and was
unable to use her computer for a year. She devised a game that ultimately
engaged her family and then her friends, allowing her world to grow. A
surprising side effect and a quantifiable result started to occur, Jane began
to feel better. In her Ted-talk-twenty-minutes of speaking at breakneck speed,
I learned something particularly germane to what I call my “Noah Moment.”
http://www.victorycoaches.com/2014/07/27/the-game-that-can-give-you-10-extra-years-of-life/ link
to Jane’s talk.
As it turns out, the media tends to focus almost
exclusively on Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. There is a flip side to that
coin for some people. Many studies are being done to understand the whys of the
phenomenon, but the deal is, some
people, when they hit rock bottom, will rise up stronger, more directed, more
connected, more giving and more grateful than previously. According to
Jane, there are two distinct added bonuses, first, these people tend to adopt
behaviors that correlate with a longer and happier life and second, they have
fewer death-bed regrets. They feel they have used their lives to the fullest
possible measure. I was hooked on what she was saying, I caught a reflection of
my head nodding excitedly. Yes! That’s
what I was talking about. I began winding and rewinding her delivery on my iPad
as Jane McGonigal described the characteristics of Post Traumatic
Growth. After profound events, severe or even life-ending illnesses, and
after bone-deep traumas, a certain group of people emerge in their own way, and
at their own rate with a sense that there may be a new, and conceivably,
better path available to them.
The Five Characteristics of Post Traumatic Growth that
show up repeatedly are:
1. A deeper commitment to
relationships and family.
2. A belief that “if I lived
through that, I can face anything.”
3. A sense that new
opportunities and people will appear.
4. A greater appreciation for life.
5. A shift or
deepening of spiritual awareness
The ability to experience growth is greatly
affected by having a support system. Some kind of spiritual core seems to be a
critical element to the growth, and finally, the ability to grieve and
gradually accept loss plays a part of the conversion of trauma to growth, in
the ability to move from tragedy to possibility in a healthy way. Humans, by
nature, are story-tellers. We use narratives to interpret our pasts and
to invent our futures. As I started reading up on this, I discovered that
the way that survivors invent and
tell the narratives about their life events was key to their ability to move
past the trauma or grow from it. Those individuals who could develop life
stories that confront the pain and sorrow and then convert it into a way to
cope are more likely to find a way to turn their most severe of life’s trials
into an avenue of growth. Individuals with a strong support system
consisting of people willing to buoy and, sometimes, gently bully, their loved
ones into taking just-one-more-step fare better than those without those
connections. Interestingly enough, it is more likely that slightly more
extraverted individuals will find their way to a path toward their personal True
North. There is still a large school of research being done to study this
entire subject. Maybe that is how I am supposed to help?
An hour later.....
I tried to sign up to participate in a study that
is evaluating the cognitive response of individuals after trauma. It is
being run by the University of North Carolina. Unfortunately, the project was
closed when I tried to enroll.
For the time being I will try to remain open to the
possibilities coming my way, with my eye set on my True North. I will work on practicing the
values I hold most dear to the best of my ability. I will thank the friends and
family who have held my hand, brought me food, run errands, listened to me
repeat myself like a broken V8 tape. I
will continue to spend a part of each of every day in meditation, connected to
the Greater One. I will be ready to step forth onto the path that is right for
me when that opportunity appears. Meanwhile, I will do the work I know how to
do. Write essays, treasure other people’s life stories, appreciate the
blessings in my life and always, remember the glory of the firmament. If I stay
true to My True North, it will lead me where I am called. Note to the
Universe: I am listening.
A few references
https://ptgi.uncc.edu/participate-in-ptg-research-online/
http://www.posttraumaticgrowth.com/what-is-ptg/
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